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Friday, August 29, 2008

How to Satisfy a Woman in Bed

Remember the old joke: "how do you make a woman have an orgasm?" Answer: "who cares?" Well it's just that: a joke. If you value having sex, you'd better know how to make a woman have an orgasm, otherwise you'll be fondling your own foreskin for the rest of your life. If you can't satisfy a woman in bed, it's only a matter of time before you overhear her laughing about your sexual performance with her friends and she starts looking elsewhere for satisfaction.

Sexually satisfying a woman starts well before you get near the bedroom. In order to satisfy a woman, you need to begin by romancing and seducing her hours, days, or perhaps even weeks prior to sex. You can't just grab her from the kitchen, order her on to the bed, climb on top of her and shout 'Brace yourself' and expect her to be satisfied. You need to think Don Juan; think romance; think seduction. Sure it requires extra effort on your part, but the extra effort will supply you with awesome sexual experiences. When you satisfy a woman in the bedroom, she is much more affectionate, loyal, and loving outside of the bedroom. A satisfied woman makes a satisfied man. Here's an idea to get you started.

1. Anticipation

There's something about anticipation that drives a woman wild. They love this sort of teasing.

Try this. Next time your woman comes home from work, leave a note on the door. In the note, tell her you've been thinking of her all day. Tell her that you think she is the sexiest and most beautiful woman in the world. Tell her that you appreciate how hard she works, and that tonight is all about her just relaxing. Tell her a surprise is waiting for her upstairs. (By the way, if you have kids, drop them off at your parent's house before she gets home. Or if you've been letting your college buddy sleep on your couch because his wife kicked him out of his house last month, kick him out before your wife comes home.)

When she walks through the front door after reading the note, she hears soft music playing. She sees candlelight throughout the clean house. Yes, I snuck in 'clean house' on you. As crazy as it sounds to men, a clean house can actually prepares a woman for romance. Most women attach their self-esteem to how they take care of their home. You've also just relieved much of her stress and given her reason to relax. She no longer has to worry about cleaning the house later, in addition to all of the other things on her plate.

She walks further in to the house and smells the perfumed aroma from the candles. (Notice how you're appealing to all of her senses: kinetically from reading the note; visually from seeing the candles and the clean house; aromatically from smelling the candles). She makes her way to the bedroom where she finds you sitting in a chair reading. Nearby, there's a small table with two place settings. You greet her with a warm hug and gentle kiss, and welcome her home. You are wearing nice clothes, are freshly shaved, have your hair combed, and are wearing her favorite cologne. The table is elegantly displayed with a white table cloth, nice dishes, and a bottle of wine. You lift up the lids on the plates to reveal her favorite meal. She's wondering what in the world has come over you. You should stand close to her at this point because she's liable to faint. After all, prior to tonight, your idea of romance was taking her deer hunting on your honeymoon.

You invite her to sit down by pulling out her chair and helping her in to her seat. You spend the next hour or so reminiscing about the day you met, the trips you shared, some of your memorably love-making experiences, and how you love her more today than the day you met.

After dinner, you walk her in to the bathroom where she sees a hot bubble bath, surrounded by candles. There is a glass of wine, and a romantic novel sitting next to the tub, along with a fluffy towel and her bath robe. Soft music is playing in the background.

She may try to get you to join her in the tub, but you politely refuse. You tell her you want her to just relax, and that you have some reading to do. You give the impression that you are not interested in sex, you just want her to have some time relaxing by herself. While she is in the bath, you refill her wine. You tell her that after her bath, you have another surprise for her. While she is relaxing in her hot bath, sipping her wine, she'll be wondering what the surprise could possibly be.

While she is in the tub, you clean up all of the dishes and the kitchen. Then you recline in the bedroom, reading a book while she soaks in the tub.

When she gets out of the tub, you tell her to go lay down on her stomach on the bed. The bedroom is dim with candlelight and romantic music is playing in the background. You very slowly and gently start massaging her. You start with her feet and you gradually work your way up her body. You resist the temptation to touch her sexually at this point, so you carefully avoid her butt and her breasts. Before long, after several more minutes of massing and caressing her, she will likely try and rip your clothes off to have you.

Congratulations, you're well on your way to completely satisfying your woman. Sure, this is a lot of trouble to go through for a night of sex. But it's not just one night. You'll be building an intimacy with her that will translate in to many nights of incredible sex. She'll be talking about this night for days to come. She'll be thinking about it and telling all of her friends about it. She'll be the envy of every woman she knows. How do you think that's going to make her feel.

Here's another way to look at this from a man's perspective. Most of us have got where we are by hard work. We believe that if we work hard, and smart, we will enjoy success. We also believe hard work builds character. We preach about it to our sons. We also believe that when we exercise, there's no gain without some pain. We believe in order to show muscular gains, we need to put in the hard work necessary to make those gains.

It's the same thing with sex. If we don't put in the work, we don't get the payoff. In order to get great sexual gains in our lives, you need to work hard at it. It's not always going to be fun to do that work, but the payoff is going to be a great sexual life.

This is just one approach to building anticipation in the mind of your woman. You can get the same result many different ways. Use your imagination.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Body - Somatic Body Psychotherapy and Sexual Health

As a practicing sexual, relationship and marital therapist for over two decades, I have begun to formulate the following concepts about sexuality and sexual functioning:

Our sexuality it an intrinsic part of our self and our life, not separate from who we are as a man or woman, young or old, attractive or unattractive, healthy or unhealthy.

Our sexual response is a natural bodily function involving a complex feedback loop with the brain, spinal cord, neuromuscular system and pituitary gland. It is designed to function as intended unless interfered with in some way.

Our mind is our major sexual organ with its propensity toward imagination and visualization, anticipation of the future and remembrance of the past as well as its ability to sense and interpret all internal and external stimulation.

The second major sexual organ is our skin along with all of our senses (sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch) but especially our sense of touch.

Healthy sexual functioning involves adequate neural signals from the central nervous system and an optimum balance within the autonomic nervous system, fluctuating between the stress response (activation of the sympathetic nervous system) and the relaxation response (activation of the parasympathetic nervous system).

Sexual arousal (vaginal lubrication and penile erection) is a neuro-vascular event mediated by the autonomic nervous system. Adequate central nervous system stimulation triggers the male erection reflex at spinal cord segments S2, S3, and S4. Adequate parasympathetic stimulation triggers the relaxation of smooth muscles and blood flow within the penis as well as female vaginal tissue engorgement and lubrication.

Orgasm and ejaculation are neuromuscular events. They require adequate central nervous system stimulation to trigger the male ejaculation reflex at multiple spinal cord levels, receptors in the skin of the penis, firing of the pudendal nerve causing compression of the penile urethra and rhythmic smooth muscle contractions and vascular constriction as well as female orgasmic response, a similar but more diffuse response that may be mediated by the vagus nerve.

Sexual desire is a mental-emotional-sensational event which may operate separately from our natural sexual functioning. In other words, our body may be able to perform sexually without our feeling desire or we may feel sexual desire without becoming physically aroused.

As a practicing body psychotherapist, focused on relationship, sexual and body image issues, I have discovered that:

Our body is a hologram, an intricate web of local and distant interconnections.

Our body is composed of energetic, fluid, electrical and chemical responses, all influenced and controlled by our mind.

Our body doesn't lie. It tells the truth if we pay attention and listen.

Bodily symptoms are often metaphors for our mental state, our beliefs or some other aspect of our life needing attention.

Memories and emotions, stored within our bodily tissues, can be evoked through any of our senses, but are often more easily accessed through touch.

Touch is a powerful way to become aware of what our body is doing.

Awareness is the first step on the way to change.

Change is scary. It requires stepping out into the unfamiliar, facing confusion, fear of annihilation, fear of losing control of one s life, and fear of total abandonment.

Release of bodily tension patterns, verbal expression of fears, desires and emotional responses in the presence of a skilled and caring therapist can facilitate change and harness integration of the changes within a newly constructed sense of self.

As a somatic body psychotherapist, I am uniquely trained to facilitate awareness, change and integration within the body-mind system of our clients. How does this relate to sexuality and sexual functioning? As I stated at the very beginning of this article,

Our sexuality is an intrinsic part of our self and our life, not separate from who we are.

If you understand and believe this as a truism, then you can assist any client who presents with a sexual issue, concern or complaint in the same way that you would deal with any other life issue. Listen, pay attention to the client s words and body posturing, observe their breathing and habitual movement patterns, encourage them to describe the verbal and nonverbal communications within their most intimate relationships, explore with them their unique beliefs, fantasies, behaviors and sexual response style. Then assist the client to become aware of bodily response patterns, metaphors and meanings, through your own specific method of body psychotherapy. If you discover you are dealing with some countertransference issues or unresolved sexual concerns of your own, then seek out supervision from a qualified body psychotherapist or nationally/board certified sex therapist.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot

Throughout history, there has always been sex. Moreover, there has been sexual education. Though it seems to me it is completely ineffective. I find that I am not alone, most people of sexual age have been given little education on what to expect in an actual sexual encounter. What is taught mainly relates to menstrual cycles, as well as general male and female anatomy, but it tends to stop there. This is likely due to the constant stigma connected to adults teaching young men and women that sex can and should be a pleasurable experience for both parties.

As a young boy, a close friend crudely introduced me to masturbation on my front lawn. He ran the garden hose between his legs and stroked it in a gesture that indicated the concept of masturbation along with various moans and groans. It seemed he knew what he was doing. So being young and easily influenced, when it was time to go inside I went directly to the bathroom to try this process. Wow, it worked I remember thinking to myself. The first orgasm for me was around 11 or 12 years old, and there was no explanation need. I followed the rather cryptic lead my trusted friend had demonstrated on the front lawn. Before ejaculating I felt pressure building in my genital area, I felt like I had to pee, but I trusted my friend knew something that I did not, so I continued and did climax.

Women in contrast are never, ever, given even the smallest hint of what makes them have a pleasurable orgasm. It is my experience women are shunned from sexual conversation or interaction as often as possible from early childhood. There is no wonder emotional scars develop due to the behavior of our society. We tend to create such taboo associated to female sexuality that it actually has a voodoo effect on women. Voodoo only works if it is believable to the recipient. Our society has done exactly that, causing woman to expect little pleasure from sexual relation. As I see it, American scientists and doctors as well as parents are the cause of this problem. If there is no empirical proof beyond personal experience of our scientific community they discounts any findings. We all know that scientists, doctors and parents know everything. (LOL)

My mission is to put the confusion to rest. Most if not all women can ejaculate, barring medical or physical problems. There is and always has been evidence on Female Ejaculation. Dating back to ancient Hindu Tantra teachings, they called it clan fluid (kuladravya) or clan nectar (kulamrita) translating to "Nectar of the Goddess" they believed it to be flowing naturally from the woman's womb. Lacking any actual data to support this belief, the simple fact that it occurred was enough to enlighten their society.

Over the past 4 years I have been on a mission to uncover as much factual information on the subject of female ejaculation as I could. My first encounter with a woman ejaculating, was about 20 years ago, I am 41 now. Something happened during cunnilingus (oral sex) on my girlfriend of 2 years that sort of shocked me. I could feel a gush of fluid with my fingers inside her. I truly had no idea what it was. Since that time I have longed to repeat the situation. For the past 3 years I have been able to make any willing woman ejaculate and have a true climax. With women so often playing a role in the bedroom it is very difficult for anyone to really know what is going on inside their heads or their vaginas.

Being an extremely sexual person I like many other men became frustrated searching for this all illusive area called the G-Spot (Coined in 1981 by Beverley Whipple honoring Ernest Grafenberg, M.D.). In recent years after much research I believe I have it figured out. There is no G-spot, it is in fact an area. The original citation by Grafenberg defines an area that is on the anterior (top) wall of the vaginal canal. Interpretations by readers of those original citations determined that there was a single spot described to be about the size of dime that needed stimulation to bring out a vaginal orgasm.

This for me was a large part of the problem. While exploring the interior of the vagina I would try to find this spot. I failed. Since then I have truly discovered the area. The only clear comparison I am able to make is that the area inside the vagina called the G-spot which is really a line, equivalent to the base of the male penis. This area can vary in size, both in length and diameter from woman to woman. As Grafenberg determined, it is the area that encompasses the length of the urethra within the vagina. It is not a spot at all, nor did Grafenberg describe it as one.

To understand the mechanisms of female ejaculation you must first have a clear picture in your head of what men and women have in common and what it takes for the common male to ejaculate. When we are conceived we all start out undifferentiated as to sex. Therefore, it is only common sense that we have the same parts. Male testicles descend, my conclusion is they are the organs that would have been ovaries without the Y chromosome. The clitoral hood (prepuce) becomes foreskin of the penis. The labia majora becomes the scrotum, while the labia minora is the actual skin that envelopes the urethra and erectile tissue and becomes the outside skin of the penis.

It seems very simple when spelled out in this manner but science makes no such correlation. Now to the actual fluids: Male ejaculate is a combination of things, prostate fluid, produced in the prostate gland, as well as sperm produced in the testis. This is combined prior to ejaculation. For women there is no sperm, nor is there any need for the fluid to be thick and goopy protecting the sperm within. In women the fluid is exclusively produced by the female prostate (or para-urethral sponge) it is equivalent to sweat, produced by the lymphatic systems of the body, not the urinary system. Many will claim that it is urine, but test on the fluid show there is little comparison. The fluid is much more like that of the male prostate gland. Containing the same prostate specific antigens as well as a very high concentration of sugars, which neither are present in urine.

Now most all of us realize that there is little feeling on almost 3/4 of the male penis. The entire head of the penis is super sensitive, equal to the clitoris. This provides a great ability to create sexual stimulation there for both men and women. However, very few men will ejaculate by only giving attention to the head of his penis, though it is not impossible. They will have a sexual climax (peak of the hill), but rarely fully ejaculate (top of the mountain). This is what I believe most non-vaginal orgasms are to women. There is a climax, but only to a small degree of what could be. The top and sides of the penis have little sensation. The real area needing attention is the base of the penis where the urethra is clearly visible. The entire shaft of the penis needs consistent pressure and stimulation in order to cause full ejaculation. If you were to imagine an erect penis within an oversized cylinder of equal length and you only had 2 or 3 fingers to access this area around the urethra what would you need to do to cause stimulation and ejaculation. This is how you need to picture, in your head, what is necessary for a woman to ejaculate.

There is a distinctive area just inside the vagina on the upper wall running from the very end of the urethra and just behind the clitoris that is the "E-spot, the ejaculation spot". This area runs on both sides and behind the woman's urethra on the abdomen side. It varies in length and diameter from person to person, just as the penis comes in all shapes and sizes. There has been a widespread idea that a "come here" motion with the fingers will bring an ejaculation orgasm for a woman. This is only partly true. The real situation is that you need to have the smooth area between the first two segments of your finger apply pressure while sliding on this area. It is much more like a Disc Jockey when they slide a record back and forth. Now what happened to the erectile tissue, ah its in there! If you are using the correct motion and pressure you will feel very specific changes to the interior of the vaginal canal.

Upon entry you will feel an area (mound) of ribbed tissue bulging from the top of the vaginal canal, it feels sort of like our throat. After a small amount of time in an excited state there will be changes. First there will be a complete smoothness and opening up of the entire inside of the vagina. Then there will be a tremendous build up of pressure. It will become difficult to keep your fingers inside, but you must. This is the point that 90% of all women stop you or quickly change positions to stop the feeling of having to pee. The only way past this part is trust. As I trusted my friend knew more than I did at age 11, you must trust your partner. There is no way past it without trust and being comfortable enough with your partner. You are both choosing to venture into unknown areas of sexual relations. If you are not comfortable enough with each other there is no way to achieve ejaculation. Men unlike women don't care, they just want to come. For women sexual relations are so emotional that there must be comfort and relaxation in order for ejaculation to occur.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Pick an Orgasm, Any Orgasm

Male orgasm, as in cards, never lets you know what hand you'll be dealt next. "It's all in the cards," as they say, "until you lay down." You know what I'm talking about. You stop panting after an orgasm, catch your breath a little bit, and your lover says, "Wow! What was that all about?"

"Geez, I don't know." You shake it off and try to remember before your orgasm. "It just came out of nowhere! The ends of my fingers are still tingling. It seemed like it would never end." You shudder a little. "I'm still not sure it has, yet."

There are face cards and there are numbered cards. Some male orgasms, I'd say qualify as a face card. The colors and design really stand out and you tend to put those guy sexual sensations in a category of their own.

As a writer, a student of male sexuality and an ordinary guy, I resist putting names and labels on something as dynamic, mysterious and fantastic as a guy's orgasm. But let's face it, our orgasms come in a variety pack and we can learn a lot about ourselves, our love making and our sexual growth if we just give a tad bid more attention to male sexual experience rather than "just getting one off."

The Male Full Body Orgasm

This is the big kahuna of a guy orgasm. The male full body orgasm is most likely the model the dude above experienced. This is the kind you fall into rather than pump up to. She's probably already come and you are enjoying the long ride of kissing, caressing and deep, slow thrusting that lasts long. You're very relaxed, but incredibly aroused and surprisingly able to delay ejaculation. This is because you held back at the beginning of intercourse and your stimulation and focus wasn't only on your penis. It was spread out. Now, it seems you can make love forever. And, you probably can.

This orgasm has an epicenter not necessary in your groin. It could be anywhere -- your belly, your butt, your thighs. You won't know till it comes. When the full body orgasm comes, it doesn't seem to start with ejaculation, but a deep inner moan that increases in amplitude, and rolls like an earthquake reaching out to your extremities. It can begin to subside a bit, but don't stop because there's always more with this kind.

Male G-Spot Orgasm

The male G-spot orgasm is sometimes referred to as a prostate orgasm because your male G-spot is found in your prostate gland. If you slip a lubed finger into your rectum. You can feel the prostate as well as it's wowing sensation. It's just an inch or two in toward your front. Lots of guys use anal toys both in lovemaking and male masturbation to experience a male G-spot orgasm.

A male G-spot orgasm is spicy but deep like a rich red wine. For women, sexual experience is mostly inside, and we think of guy sex experience as only outside. With a G-spot orgasm, you experience that inside sensation that's not entirely gained through penis stimulation. A nice benny to the G-spot orgasm is that they can easily be multiples which come and go like waves on a seashore.

Ejaculatory Orgasm

An ejaculatory orgasm is reliable. Men can summon up an ejaculatory orgasm from a few seconds to a matter of a few minutes. It's the kind of orgasm that emanates either only from your penis or at most from your groin and not much beyond. Most of the pleasure you enjoy from an ejaculatory orgasm is from the gushing sensation you feel from the semen expelling from your penis. And the more the better.

Non-Ejaculatory Orgasm

Why would I not want to ejaculate? Because a non-ejaculatory orgasm allows you the privilege to orgasm, make love, masturbate or whatever else you like to do for as long as you want. Most guys experience a time period after ejaculation during which they really don't feel much like sex. If you delay your ejaculation till later or till tomorrow, you enjoy non-ejaculatory orgasm.

The longer you make love, spread your focus, and relax your muscles, your orgasmic response will build. First you feel the fluttering in your belly or groin as you dangle on the edge of ejaculation, but you ease off and delay it, the sensations come more frequently and with greater intensity till you can say these are definitely orgasms -- less intense, but orgasms. You play on the edge like a hawk on the wind till you decide you've had enough.

Contemplative Orgasm

You find yourself lost in orgasm in a place much bigger than you are. Contemplative orgasm is spiritual. You can't define it so much by how it feels as you define it by where your focus is in the experience. If your focus is on something larger than a physical experience, and your desire to connect with someone outside of yourself, you're edging into contemplative orgasm territory. Sadly, many of us bluntly divide our spiritual lives from sexual lives, but when you allow God to be present in your sexuality, you know that orgasm is undoubtedly spiritual.

Male Multiple Orgasm

Male multiple orgasms present themselves in almost all of the above experiences except possibly the ejaculatory orgasm. It's like going to the dance. If you're going to dance all the dances, then you'll want to stay all night. Multiple orgasm isn't likely to happen for you if you quit too soon. You've got to give it time, focus and allow yourself to fall into it. Like the dance, each one gets more fun.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Sex Games - The Copy Cat

In the "Copy Cat" sex game we pay attention to what our partner is doing and then we mirror this. When she kisses you softly, you kiss her softly. When he holds you tight, you hold him tight.
There is a certain "Law of Sex", which states that we always make love to someone in the way we would like this someone to make love to us. With this game you actively use this law to give your partner a very special experience. This is how it is done:

1. This is a game in which you don't discuss with your partner what you are doing. This is not dishonest, because you do it for mutual pleasure, and telling what you do would only make her self-conscious, and cause her to behave differently.

2. Pay attention to every detail, and mirror it back to her. For example:

-If she holds you by putting her hands on your lower back, you also put your hands on her lower back.
-If she moves slowly and deliberately, you also slow down and do the same.
-When she kisses, and sticks her tongue deep in your mouth, you stick out your tongue too.
-When she makes love to you roughly, you don't touch her gently, but just as rough.
-When she is quiet, you are quiet, and when she begins to moan, you also become vocal.
-When she talks dirty to you, talk back dirty.

3. Do not exaggerate the first time you do this, just pick out some details and mirror them back to her. If you would mirror everything back, and you are a good actor, she might sense what you are doing, and it would be less natural. Slowly and smoothly introduce the "Copy Cat" sex game into your bedroom.

4. In long-term relationships we often play this game sub-consciously, and get used to how our partner wants to enjoy her sex. But bringing this game to a conscious level speeds up this process. By the way, if she ever notices what you do, simply admit what you are doing; explain what you do and that you do it for your mutual pleasure.

Getting in the habit of playing the "Copy Cat" game will help you get to know your partner much better sexually. When you pay attention to details, you can "play her like a violin" and make some good music together...